TODAY I CELEBRATE 14 YEARS!! I shared my story for the very first time last year. As difficult as it was, the reason I shared it finally after so many years was I felt a deep desire to help those that are struggling. I wanted others to know that I had my own share of struggles but we can overcome them and rise above. The amount of out pouring love that I received blew me away. Thank you all for that. Today I stand tall and proud!
Please read and YES..it is a LONG post! xoxo
I want to share my story and really it is not easy to share. As I post this, my hands are sweating and my heart is beating fast. I have hesitated for so long because of the fear of how people would take it. I feel like all these years I had to hide this part of me. But I decided that I no longer want to be afraid; that my story may help someone who is struggling; that it may show someone that you can go through struggles and overcome them; that you can become happy with who you are. This is what made me who I am today. It is my story and my path. It has given me strength and passion. I wouldn’t be who I am today without having experienced it..
We all have struggles in life. No one is perfect and it is what we do with them that can change our lives. I will admit right here and now that I am not happy with every decision I have made in the past. But when it came down to it, I was faced with two choices and I know I made the right one. I could have chosen to feel sorry for myself or I could have chosen to make a change to better my life. I chose to make it better.
A day that I CELEBRATE a DECISION I made 14 years ago TODAY that CHANGED MY LIFE!)
I struggled with insecurities from I swear the day I was born. I just was very shy, timid and just felt so uncomfortable about myself. I remember not really talking to people until I was in 4th / 5th grade. I would shrug my shoulders, I hated making eye contact and I really felt so uncomfortable if anyone looked at me. I couldn’t order at restaurants, or if the teacher called on me in class, I would completely freeze and feel total panic. Once I hit about 7th grade, girls started to give me a problem. High School was the absolute worst. They wrote mean things about me in the bathroom, pranked called me, said nasty things as I walked by at school sporting events and it goes on. Inside I felt terrible already about myself and this just made me feel even worse. I tried to mask it and act as though I didn’t care, but at home, I spent many days crying. See you never know what someone’s struggles are. You never know what really is going inside.
I remember being at my first high school party and I gave into the peer pressure of alcohol. I found that it made all my insecurities and anxiety go away. Alcohol masked my insecurities and anxiety and I did not have to deal with the real issues. This was the beginning of my struggles with alcohol. What it turned into was a constant cycle of making bad choices and feeling regret.
I was 21, at Rutgers, started getting failing grades, drinking way too much, just got out of a terrible relationship and my grandmother that lived with me my whole life passed away. It was a really low time in my life. I just didn’t realize yet that alcohol was the root of my problems. I wasn’t someone that drank every day. The problem was what happened when I did. I had a group of friends that invited me out to help me feel better and that is the day I met Scott. As corny as this may sound the moment I saw him, I remember it so clear, I knew that he was the one. I really feel that he was placed in my life for a reason. He is the best thing that came into life, he is my best friend and makes me laugh like no other! I am not really sure what he saw in me at the time but I am glad he did see the real me. He loved the person I was when I was not drinking. He struggled with the girl I became when I was drinking. It was a long road of ups and downs but it made our relationship stronger because of it.
I tried to stop drinking from the age of 21 until the age of 27. I struggled every time I stopped because all my friends were going out and drinking and I felt alone. It wasn’t easy to be the only one not drinking and I would just go back to drinking again. I just wasn’t ready. Finally at the age of 27, 14 years ago TODAY, May 24th, I finally had it. I was tired of hiding my FEELINGS, I was tired of making bad choices, and I was tired of feeling REGRET. I knew that deep down I could be so much more and that I was tired of that person I had become while drinking.
Through those years, I found exercise to be my outlet. It amazed me how it could make me feel good, strong and happy. It became a passion of mine. I knew when I was feeling alone and anxious, I could exercise to feel better, and that it would just change my mood and was my outlet in life.
There came that point when I was finally ready to make the change and stop drinking. I was in a really bad place and I will never forget the way I felt that day. It keeps me from ever going down that path again. I was about to get married in 3 months and the wedding was called off. I didn’t know what the future held but I knew that this is what I had to do to better my life. I am so thankful to a very close friend of mine (she knows who she is xoxo) that found a support group for me. I knew as soon as I went there, I was exactly where I was supposed to be. It wasn’t easy, there were many struggles but through this I became so strong and I let go of my past, I worked on my insecurities. I focused on my health and became confident. I became a person I never knew I could be. I became HAPPY inside and out.
There came that point when I was finally ready to make the change and stop drinking. I was in a really bad place and I will never forget the way I felt that day. It keeps me from ever going down that path again. I was about to get married in 3 months and the wedding was called off. I didn’t know what the future held but I knew that this is what I had to do to better my life. I am so thankful to a very close friend of mine (she knows who she is xoxo) that found a support group for me. I knew as soon as I went there, I was exactly where I was supposed to be. It wasn’t easy, there were many struggles but through this I became so strong and I let go of my past, I worked on my insecurities. I focused on my health and became confident. I became a person I never knew I could be. I became HAPPY inside and out.
I look back to this day 14 years ago and it AMAZES me. I feel so thankful that I made this change. Deciding to make this change led me to such a beautiful place. I have a loving relationship with my husband. I have 2 of the most precious gifts in the world my children and I can’t imagine life without them. I am so thankful that I made the change before I had children. I truly feel that is a gift. I have a very loving and supportive family. My parents and Scott's family have always been so supportive and loving. I truly believe that God guided me this way and I am so very thankful.
I share this because if you are struggling, I want you to know that you can change, that you can better your life, that YOU ARE WORTH IT! This day I now celebrate 14 years! I don’t know if anyone realizes how much that means to me. I have celebrated it quietly for one too many years and I now am proud to share it with the world.
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